Journal Entry: Being so emosh!

Back again…

So, I have been very moody lately, lashing out unnecessarily and wearing my emotions on my sleeves. I realized its because I require things that another person cannot give to me. I have to find what feeds my joy, what makes me tick and what rejuvenates me. No other person, alcohol, series/movies or hermit behavior can do that for me. Despite how much I want to give that power to the next person/thing, no one else has the right to take away or give me joy.

In looking for how to feel better, I have given others the responsibility to help me feel better. But I can’t keep doing that. They are responsible for themselves and I for myself. I have sought for and anticipated responses from others that will suddenly make me feel better or help me through my weakness.

Honestly, I am so done with that. I usually draw strength from the within and recently I have been lazy about doing this for whatever reason. I cannot keep blaming all my poor choices and bad/lazy behavior on another person’s willingness to accept me. For so many months I had to lean on others emotionally. Their words of affirmation and their confidence in me have been a treasure, especially, my siblings. I knew I had them because my parents gave birth to them but I wasn’t necessarily emotionally dependent on them but they instantly became my rock when I needed one. I have the utmost respect for them now.

The Japanese treasure a cracked or broken item (say, a clay bowl) by aggrandizing it with gold while putting it together. They say that the bowl has history that makes it more valuable to the owner. In putting my life together over the last year, I have come to appreciate the beauty and value in being whole again. My past experience (please refer to Journal Entry: Unfurling…) has become a cornerstone from which I can redefine and redirect my future experiences. I cannot leave my future to chance.. I have fought to be where I am today – emotionally, financially and physically, and I still have a lot of fight within me. Going through that fiery experience, was the most humiliating, emotionally exhausting and trying period of my life yet. I guess good things do not come cheap.

Leaving the responsibility of my wholesomeness in the hands of others is not taking charge of my life. I need to become more accountable. Its not okay to lash out on others when I become emotional because I was hurt. My experience should make me more sensitive to others emotionally because I now realize how fragile it is. However, I may need to strike a balance. Ensuring that I not only become more emotionally stable but also available for when I have to play my role as aunt (to five gorgeous babies and counting), sister, friend (future babe ;)), daughter and colleague.

I need to fight to climb out of this rut. Perhaps, someday I can help others go through life with wisdom from my experiences. Tough as it may seem, I will keep fighting.

Round 2 begins!